Dear Diary #2 - The start of a journey

 Hello again,

When I started this blog earlier this week I wasn't sure if it would ever continue, or be shared. But again, if you are reading this then I guess I have shared.

From my first post I mentioned that my journey started with a simple doctors appointment. So let's start there......this one will be a long one......yikes.

As I said, I am 46 years old. I would consider myself healthy. Maybe slightly overweight, but zero known health issues. I very rarely even get a cold and I can't remember the last time I had anything that resembled a flu. My blood pressure is textbook normal, never issues with blood work or anything. So, I have been slacking a bit in the 'annual physical' department. I think it has probably been 3 years since I was in for a physical. 

To start with the first round of TMI of this journey I have, over the past year, been experiencing changes to my period. I don't believe I am pre-menopausal yet, but I have changes. Enough that they are starting to be concerning so I booked myself a physical for late September. Doc asks if I had any concerns, and I tell him about my period changes, so an ultrasound requisition is made. He looked at my file and notes that I have never had a mammogram, so that is added to the u/s requisition also. Standard blood work requisition and off I go. Sadly, Covid seems to have created delays at labs in Alberta, so I can't get in for the blood work until Nov 13, but the ultrasound and mammogram appointments were booked for October 9th and October 14th, respectively. No big deal, right?

Ultrasound appointment was uneventful, because they won't tell you anything anyway. In, take some pictures, and out again. The mammogram appointment at that time went well also. I learned something new, which many of my lady friends will already know, and for those that don't....now you will. When you have a mammogram they 'score' your breast based on density. A score of A means breast are mostly fatty, and D means breast are very dense. Before she even took my scans she explained that if you are scored either a C or a D you can expect a call back for a second mammo and possibly even an ultrasound (as this can see through more of the dense tissue). Scans taken, score given, and I was lucky enough to be a C. She suggested that the radiologist would review scans overnight and I should probably expect a call back for another appointment. No big deal, I was pre-warned. 

Totally not doctor/test related but the following morning I slipped down a few stairs in my house and thought maybe a hospital visit would be a good idea. I won't get into the details here but will say that I was 100% sure that I had broken my ankle, and after some swearing and some tears off we went, with Darrin as my chauffeur, to Sundre Hospital Emergency at 6am. Thankfully not broken, but definitely sprained. This part of my story is only told as it adds an extra layer of wtf for the month of October.

On the drive home from the hospital the radiology clinic calls and requests that second look, mammogram and ultrasound, but they don't have an opening until Nov 4. No big deal to me, I book the appointment. I tell Darrin not to worry, as this was expected, and explained why. The following day I receive a second call from radiology clinic, they have had a cancellation and wonder if I can come in on Tuesday (this was Friday) instead? As I am laying on my couch, literally unable to walk, I decline to move up my appointment and explain the ankle sprain and leave it for Nov 4. This is just routine anyway. Fast forward a few days, to Wednesday, and I get another call from the radiology clinic, this time from the very lovely lady that did my mammogram, and she adds in that the radiologist is also on the line. They would REALLY like to see me before Nov 4, and they have another cancellation for the following Thursday, can I please come in? Oh, and, if necessary would you give us permission to perform a biopsy at that time? 

WTF? This is just a routine test. When did we start talking about sticking needles in places they don't belong??? But I smile and say, of course, please do anything you need, you have my permission. But in my head I am saying WTF? 

Mostly I am okay with all of this right up until the biopsy is completed and the radiologist leaves the room. Then the tears start. And I totally ugly cried all the way home. Yep, I was the woman people drove past balling her face off driving down the road. Oh well, I assume most of them did not just have a huge ass needle shoved into their boob four times! I am okay with their judgement. I'm told results will be 5 to 7 business days. So that is super fun! 

I know quite a few people that have dealt with Cancer. Both personally, and with family members, some survivors and some that didn't make it. We all know Cancer sucks. We all know Cancer is not choosy in it's path. We all know. But I learned something new on that fateful Thursday. Cancer is a REALLY BIG WORD when you talk about your own body. I really had no idea how BIG that word was. And the agony of not knowing is the worst. By far the worst. My doctor calls on Monday, just because he has seen that a biopsy was done, he has no results but he is concerned about me. He wants to check in and see how I am coping (he really is a great doctor) and let me know he is watching for results but realistically he doesn't expect to get anything back before the following week. 

 I actually already had an appointment booked for the next day (Tuesday) to get ultrasound results so I was surprised that he had called, but he really is just a caring guy and knows how hard the waiting is. I kept that appointment as I thought I'd get one issue answered, and wait for the rest. The u/s results confirm fibroids in my uterus, and a gynecological referral is to be sent. Okay. One answer down, that is positive! That appointment could take a few months, so we'll just set that aside for now. 

Unexpectedly I heard back from my doctor late Thursday morning, he has results and would like Darrin and I to come in. He can give me results over the phone, but prefers to be in person. Of course, in we went a few hours later. 

Although by this time I would have been far more shocked to hear, the results are benign (not Cancer), it was still hard to hear "yes, Barb, you have Cancer".

So here I sit. 

A few days have passed since diagnosis. There are a million unanswered questions that I have a need to know, but mostly I am at peace. I have an answer, I have a path, and my journey moves forward from here. From no doctors visits in far too long to three clinic visits, two radiology visits, several physio appointments for my ankle,  it has been an interesting 6 weeks. The last few days have been spent telling the people that are important to me, before I throw it out there to the world. The conversations are getting repetitive, and draining, but are so worth it to know that I have such an amazing support group, both near and far. You all know who you are, and I love you!

It's a lot to digest. It's a lot to carry. And if I can have one wish today, it's that everyone who knows me, knows that I'VE GOT THIS! I am not scared (today), I am not anything but peaceful. All my questions will be answered in time, and whatever will be will be.  This is the beginning of my journey, and I am so amazingly blessed to have the 'tribe' that I have in my life. That alone will keep me strong! 

Peace and love

Barb