Dear Diary #12 - Random Musings

Wow, Dec 23. It's hard to believe that 2020 might actually come to an end after what seems like the longest year in history. Isn't life crazy!!??!!

Regardless of how you lean on the Covid issue, I think we can all agree that it has set the world upside down, and it is crazy all the things that happened this year (and how quickly they happened). 

For me, I avoid the conspiracies. I am just trying to look out for me, and my health, at this point in the year and keep life simple. I'm mostly hibernating and finding things to occupy my boredom, while working from home also. Darrin and I joke about me going 'into the out' if I do have to run out for something. I had a craving for Wendy's on the weekend and we had a #coviddatenight in Wendy's parking lot, lol. Oh the romance! I actually went out to the grocery store earlier this week for the first time in forever, and was happy to see that things were fairly normal. I really don't get out much these days, haha. 

The lovely Jayden has renamed me 'One Boob Wonder Woman'. I'm still trying to get used to all the one boob jokes. I guess it is my new moniker. When I forget something, I just blame it on the boob. 

Overall, surgery recovery is going great. Truly. Once that damn drain was removed and steri strips came off the incision I was 1,000% better. I even got out and shoveled yesterday after our snow storm! The incision is still super sensitive, and the area where lymph nodes were removed is still tender and sore. But overall, I feel great at just about 3 weeks post surgery. 

I am back into hurry up and wait mode, waiting for Oncology. I have my first appointment scheduled for Jan 13. After I posted my last diary post I had a really good chat with the lovely Gwen (my nurse navigator). We had a chance to go through the pathology report in detail, and talk about what comes next. She did basically tell me to prepare myself for chemo. In my heart I feel like I always knew this was a good possibility, so I am at peace with it. I just wish I could get started, so that I can get it done and over with. In an earlier post I explained about Oncotype scores, and when/why they do them. She thinks I will fall right on the border line of just simply deciding that I have enough going on that I should just go right to chemo, or possibly sending away for Oncotype score. I shall find out more in January. 

But chemo......uggggh.......today the thought of losing my hair sucks ass. I actually hate my hair, strangely enough, but the thought of being bald is going to take some time to wrap my head around. Yes, there is a possibility that a) I won't need chemo, b) I won't lose my hair if I do, but this is the reality I am working on today (and until Jan 13). It is so weird that I never once second guessed cutting off a boob and not replacing it. But hair.....why is hair so important? It really isn't.....but it is. Sigh. I have been doing some research on a process called 'cold capping'. It is something some cancer patients choose to do through chemo to try to save their hair. Basically freezing your head and hair follicles before, during, and after the actual chemo injection. But it is a CRAZY process that although it excited me in the beginning I don't think I have the discipline to actually follow through with and I have not even asked if it is done in Canada (most pages I am on are full of people from the US). But is involves soooo much. Very little hair washing for months, only one special shampoo, no conditioner, washing only in cold water,, no blow drying or heat of any kind, dry ice changes during the hours of treatments, no cutting, dying, or anything a long time after treatment, and so much more. It is truly a discipline and there is no guarantees of keeping your hair. The average seems to be keeping about 50 - 60% of their hair, and others lose 80 - 90% and for some it doesn't even work! Definitely not sure I could cope with that. We'll just have a shaving party when the time comes (covid, or not) and I'll shed a few tears with those that love me. 

A few random thoughts:

1> I don't think people realize how useless a boob really is, lol. Although I have a pretty bad ass scar across my chest, I am not really 'missing' anything but a some tissue and skin. I am certainly not left an invalid from this surgery, I have a cut, that's really it. 

2> I was walking down the stairs this morning with my phone and a book. I didn't realize how often I would have just 'tucked something' in to carry between my boob and my arm (maybe it WAS useful after all??). I don't carry things as well on my right side anymore hahaha. 

3> I see the right side of my chest as a canvas for a badass tattoo at some time in the future. Rob, if you read this at any point, I'll be coming to see you.....after a while. 

4> I am yet unsure on the bra situation going forward. I have ordered some front zip up sports bras and a cheap fake boob off of amazon to try out when they arrive. I also have a 'knitted knocker' that Gwen sent me. But my incision is still too tender to try any of these out. As I heal more I will go to a specialty store and try out some prosthetic boobs and better bras. That should be fun. 

5> I have never been a hat wearier, but have random thoughts of hats/scarves/toques/wigs for my future bald head. Sigh. I'm going to keep ignoring that for a while. 

Anyway, enough rambling for today.

Although Christmas will look different for many this year, including us, I am looking forward to a few quiet days that Darrin will actually be home. His Mom is coming out to stay for a few days as she lives alone and has named us her cohort. Sad to not see the kids this year, and things might look different without this cancer shit going on, but glad they have each other and we will have our usual 'family' time later. Christmas is just a date on the calendar, we will choose a new date for 2021. 

Best Holiday Wishes for my #tribe. Friends, family, clients, and co-workers. May you enjoy some peace, some love, and make amazing memories! 

Merry Christmas!!! Sending all the love! 

Peace and love

Barb