Dear Diary #8 - Today Sucks

I guess blogging isn't supposed to be about only the positives, the information, and the bright side, right?

For so many little  reasons that all accumulated into an iceberg, today sucks.  All the little reasons are so inconsequential that it feels ridiculous.  But today those little reasons can fuck right off.

I've just poured myself a drink and filled the tub with my favourite bath bomb, and I'm just going to take a moment, or three, to wallow. 

I've hed very few moments since diagnosis that have really got me down. This is just my journey and I get to take it, like it or not. Everyone always tells me how stong I am. I can tell you that I didn't feel very strong when my favourite indoor cat decided to escape to the outdoors today. As I was totally  ugly crying and BEGGING her not to do this today. Haha. Oh man, am I glad no one was around to witness that! 🙈

Today was my last day at the office for a while. While it had a crazy sense of deja vu from packing up to come home at the start of covid, it also had a sense of finality.  Like I was headed off to the gallows for some reason. I'm not really crazy, it just sounds that way today. 

Oh I could go on with the list of little things, but I feel better just for the writing of this (remember? my own therapy?). 

Don't worry, I know it is totally okay to meltdown. I know that it is totally okay to not be okay. I don't need you all to remind me. As my virtual cancer buddy told me just today (you know who you are if you read this), we just put on our big girl panties and carry on. For the next short while I'm going to let the big girl panties fuck right off. I'll go find them later. 

Two more sleeps till sugery. Oh the joy. I'm going to spend the day tomorrow looking after me. Keep cheering friends, we have a way to go yet. ❤

Peace and love

Barb


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