Dear Diary #18 - Probably TMI

Hey friends,

Today is a bit of a fucked up day. It really shouldn't be, but it feels like it is. This turned into a long post, oops, apologies in advance. 

Remember the Surreal blog? Well today is still surreal. Who has Cancer? Who is going to lose their hair? Who is this girl looking back at me in the mirror? 

As much as everyone around me has been super hopeful for me, I have always known I was going to lose my hair in this process. Even the oncologist said first thing when we talked about the drugs I was being offered.....'you are going to lose your hair, and it will be the hardest thing to have happen'. One of the chemo drugs I am being given - Docetaxal - is well known for hair loss. Actually, there is a class action lawsuit against the brand name of this drug - Taxotere - due to permanent hair loss, but I just pretend I don't know that little fact and hope for the best. 

I have seen many many posts about hair loss and it seems the average days post first infusion is days 14 to 20. Today I am on day 13. Almost everyone seems to lose their hair before their second infusion. People talk about scalp pain and overall sensitivity as things start to progress. I haven't really had any 'pain' but my scalp has seemed a bit more sensitive for quite a few days now. I have a TON of hair. Lots and lots of hair. So I have always been a shedder. There has always been hair in the shower. Yesterday I noticed that there was a bit more than usual in the shower. Nothing alarming. Also a bit of hair when I combed out my hair after the shower, but again nothing alarming, just feeling like this is probably the start. 

Today....well there was MORE hair in the shower. And every time I had my hands in my hair to wash, rinse, etc, I had hair on my hands. Then when I combed my hair after the shower, well I might have cried a little. I might even have screamed some. We'll just leave it at that. 

At the moment I don't think I will ever shower again. Sorry Darrin!! 

I want to bury my head in the sand for at least another day. Hopefully longer. 

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!

I know that this too shall pass. I know that this is temporary. I know that it isn't my hair that makes me who I am. I know that this means the drugs are working. I know that I will be okay. But I am not really okay with this. I will be, I promise, but at the moment, I'm not. 

Here is another thing that people don't talk much about.....hahaha....you're welcome. I will not only lose the hair on my head, but I will likely lose the hair EVERYWHERE. One thing I have seen a lot of posts about is pubic hair. I thought you all would want to know that many people say that any pubic hair you have just disappears one day. Like literally falls out at once. Pull down your pants and spill pubic hair everywhere. Most of the time that is the FIRST thing to happen, the first hair to come out. I'll just say that personally, that has not happened yet. So maybe I get to keep some hair for a few days at least? 

I guess a shaving party is in my VERY near future. 

Fuck Cancer.

Anyway....moving along. Since I am sharing this journey I do plan to share it all. 

As mentioned in very early blogs, this whole adventure started because my periods started changing quite a while back. I mostly ignored it, but each month seemed to get worse than the last. Darrin finally managed to nag me into go to see a doctor. I was long past due for a physical anyway. My doc recommended an ultrasound, and a mammogram. We know where THAT got me. But the u/s also got me a referral to a gynecologist after a diagnosis of fibroids. I finally got in for that referral appointment today. 

The doc was ever so lovely. We had a good chat about cancer and how scary it is these days. She sees WAY more patients now that have no family history at all. She says it is a very large and noticeable shift. And WAY more young women. We talked about how terrifying it is that some family doctors don't (and won't) do mammograms before 50. It absolutely breaks my heart. And I can't STRESS enough how my women friends need to be their own advocate. You MUST all, at a very minimum, do REGULAR self examinations. Weekly, bi-weekly, monthly at minimum. Yep, our boobs are lumpy and bumpy, I had one friend tell me she doesn't know what to look for. But just look for CHANGE. You'll know your own bumps, over time. You'll know when it is different. 

I want give a HUGE THANK YOU to the many people that have messaged, called, or texted, and told me that they have set up, or been for, mammograms. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are listening. I don't want anyone to ever have to go through this, but the reality is that some of you will. And the earlier it is caught the better it is. I can't tell you how grateful that I am that you are listening, and doing this little thing for me. There are a few of you that I plan to keep nagging on, you know who you are, lol. But I'll go with you if I have to! But I am overwhelmed with gratitude for those that have already gone ahead and done this. For those that are still on the fence, go. Please. Make the appointment with your family doc. Ask for the mammo requisition. And please keep letting me know! It truly makes my heart happy! Everyone always asks me, 'what can I do for you?' This. This is what you can do for me. For the men reading this, go nag your wife to have her boobs squished please!! 

Anyway, nothing really was decided at my Gyn appointment. The ever so lovely doctor wanted to do a uterine biopsy, so that was unexpected and not very much fun, but we got through it. She does not expect anything to come back out of it, but just wants to cover every base. There are several options to deal with the fibroids, but she said we'd discuss those later. One of them is an IUD type device but it sounds like it is progesterone based, and I have progesterone positive cancer. One is surgery, which we will discuss later. She would like to get biopsy results, and she would like to consult with my oncologist to ensure that we are all on the same page. So a telephone appointment has been set up for early March. So I am glad I went, but unfortunately I still don't know much. So, again, hurry up and wait. She assured me that we have time. No surgery would be scheduled while I was in active treatment anyway. A girl just needs to know, you know? 

So let's talk about chemo. Day 13 post first infusion and I feel really good. There were a few rough patches last week but nothing that was unbearable. 

I was introduced at one point to my new friend 'bone pain' and that is fairly annoying and indescribable but we made it through. I typically would do anything to avoid taking prescription pain meds, but I did break down and take the Tramacet I was prescribed a few times. Thankfully it didn't try to kill me, AND it took most of the pain away. Woot Woot! That only lasted a few days though. 

Fatigue Sunday/Monday post infusion was bearable. It is really weird for me to literally just close my eyes and go to sleep.  But I guess it happens that way. 

Taste buds. Who needs them? Truly that might be the worst thing that happened to me in the last 13 days. I had 8 or 9 days of VERY OFF taste buds. Everything tasted terrible. You make a really great meal, sit down and eat, and are overwhelmingly disappointed. Then repeat it at the next meal, and the one after that. Sigh. But, on a positive note, they have returned to almost 100%, and I am ever hopeful that that will not happen for future infusions!!

I am currently dealing with very dry mucus membranes. A very dry nose (and associated nose bleed) led me to get a nasal moisturizer gel. Very dry and itchy ears, I haven't figured out a solution to that yet. And very dry 'other' parts. Coconut oil is my new BFF. This was somewhat unexpected, but a very common side effect of chemo. I drink a shit ton of water every day, and am not dehydrated at all, but my 'membranes' are not very happy with me these days. 

I am also currently dealing with pretty good case of hives. I will call this afternoon and see if there is anything I can do about them. Unfortunately the most common treatment for hives is very easy, a simple antihistamine. Of which I am allergic to. Fortunately I have dealt with hives on and off for most of my life, so it is only a minor annoyance most of the time. 

Otherwise, physically I feel really good. Really normal. No more fatigue, no more pain. I'm ready to do this all over again is 9 days. Are you guys ready to keep cheering? 

Your love, your posts, your messages, your texts, your calls. THESE are what makes this easy. YOU all make this bearable. Even the fucking hair loss. 

WE will do this. WE will kick this. WE will rock this. #tribe

Peace and love

Barb