Dear Diary #29 - I WIN!!

Hey friends,

It has been pointed out to me a couple of times recently that I have left you all hanging. I'm sorry!! 

I am alive. I am doing great. I am super busy. Life has returned to normal.

That's all I need to write, right? Lol, just kidding! This will probably end up being a long post, as I catch up with all the thoughts in my head. So I will apologize in advance. 

So where did we leave off......ahhhhh, finishing up radiation. Well THAT was fun! As I said in previous blogs radiation itself is easy, painless, and quick. It was just uber annoying to spend so much time driving back and forth into Calgary for 3+ weeks. 

By the 12th treatment I was fairly pink, by the 16th and final treatment I was fairly burnt. My radiation oncologist described it as 'moderately brisk' when she saw me following my last treatment. Whatever that means? The really fun part about radiation is that you keep on cooking after treatment. The burns come from the inside, so it just gets worse. I can say that I have seen photos of way worse burns than I had, I ended up with no open wounds or anything crazy. I can also say that I didn't much enjoy what I did have. But after about two and a half more weeks, things started to turn the corner, and eventually I started peeling. Kind of like sunburn peeling, but much much more skin. After the peeling though, it was sooo much better! That whole area is still slightly darker than other skin, but it actually turned out much better than I expected. Overall, it is just another completed step in my journey. 

What I most definitely did NOT anticipate was how messed up mentally I was by the end of radiation. I definitely had a rough few days, and that is very very out of the norm for me. I was almost lost. I was confused, and disorientated. So much so that I didn't feed my cats for 3 days, lol. Literally just forgot that I was supposed to do that. I walked into the laundry room one day, and thought "huh, this feels weird, like I haven't been into this room for a while". Then I noticed the empty cat food dish, and the cats screaming at me. Ummmm, oops? 

I can't really say what was wrong, but suddenly everything was just done. After months and months of just trying to live a normal life while attending appointments, treatments, still working, and all the things, it was just over. I still (almost 2 months later) can't really put any words to it. I've said it before, I'll say it again (and again) all of the past 8 months is just very surreal. I am currently sitting at my desk typing this blog, and it is just a normal day, doing normal things, and busy with lots of details. How could I have had cancer? How could I have had chemo and radiation? How could I have removed a boob? I sit here in a normal top, with a bra and a prosthetic boob, and I look perfectly normal, body wise. Well ignoring the pounds I am gaining on Tamoxifen. And, definitely ignoring the uber short grey hair, hahahaha. 

I have always said that this was just a blip in my journey of life. I still feel that way. It is EASY to forget, or ignore, what I went through when I just jumped right back into normal life. I returned to the office June 15, after my burns were mostly healed. I have been very very busy with real estate since May. Every day is just another normal day. Who was that lady that went through all that stuff recently? Not sure who she is, or where she is now, but here I am, and thrilled to be here! 

Let's talk about hair growth. So I shaved by head after my first chemo treatment. My last chemo infusion was on March 24, so I am very nearly 4 mths PFC (post final chemo). I have hair. Not a lot of it, haha, but I have hair. Until about the middle of June I pretty much always wore a hat when going out. By the time I was coming back to the office I knew I couldn't sit in a hat all day because that would be annoying, I have never been a hat wearer. I needed to decide if I was going to do wigs (ewww, hot and itchy) or just rock the very short hair and remind myself that I don't give a flying fuck what anybody thinks I look like. So short hair wins! It is very grey, and honestly I actually love the color. It is just starting to turn wavy/curly and I have no plans to do anything about it for a long time. I have hair around my ears that is longer than other places, and I don't give a shit about that either. No scissors welcome for a while, hahaha. One of the silver linings of losing my hair to chemo is that I will never have to dye my hair again, and I will never have to go through the pain of growing out dyed hair later. Lots and lots of women have grey hair grow back after losing it to chemo, and sometimes that grey goes away and goes to something more natural to them, sometimes it doesn't. One more item of my list of not giving a shit about. I'm just happy to have hair! Whatever that turns out to be in the future! I am taking some supplements along with my Tamoxifen, and one of those is Biotin for hair and nail growth. I think this has helped, for sure. But annoyingly the hair growth everywhere else is super fast. I swear I could shave my legs every other day! Ugh, unfair! 

So one of my biggest worries along the way was how I would react to the post cancer drugs. I am currently on Tamoxifen (will switch later to AI's), and have been taking it for approximately 3 months now. I don't have any huge complaints. Everything going on is completely tolerable. I had a follow up phone call with my oncologist last week and she asked how things were going. I told her that I was definitely running warm, I am definitely in menopause. Some of that is chemo related, some of that is Tamoxifen related. I told her that I don't sleep as well as I once did, but considering I was a spectacularly good sleeper most of my life, I can't complain too much. I definitely play the covers on/covers off game throughout the night. I also told her that when I stand up I feel like I am about 80 years old, that I am sore, and achey, and it takes a few steps to get going. But after I get moving I feel pretty much normal. And lastly, the only other thing that I notice is that alcohol raises my body temperature about 10 degrees, but I think that is more of a menopause thing (for me). It is what it is and it could be much worse! 

In a couple of weeks I have an appointment with my gynecologist. I spoke to her on the phone in June and she was going to try to put me onto her surgery schedule for late September, or early October. If not, it might be a month after that. I need to see her for a physical exam before surgery, so hopefully in a couple of weeks I will know more about that timing. I am opting to have a full hysterectomy, as I think I have discussed in previous blog posts. After that happens I will switch from Tamoxifen to AI's, and I can only hope that I will tolerate them as well! 

I think that covers all of my news. I am sorry for not posting before this, I think I needed to step away from cancer for a while while these thoughts swam around in my head. 

Looking back it feels like it's been a crazy journey, but at the same time it feels like it didn't even happen. Who knew that an innocent mammogram could turn into all of this? I will forever be grateful for all of my lady friends who have stepped up and gone for mammograms. I love that you are all doing this in my honour, and I want you to keep doing it!! Please, please please. Early detection is so crucial. If I had known half of what I know today I'd have done a mammo earlier, and my tumor would have been caught earlier, and I likely could have skipped over much of this journey! Hindsight is always 20/20, right? 

On another side note, when I started this blog I wanted people to know the down and dirty of cancer that people just don't talk about. I wanted people to learn about the nitty gritty, and know that it isn't all as scary as Hollywood portrays. I knew that if I could help just one person be more aware of what could happen to them, then it was a win for me. Fortunately, or unfortunately, to this date two people in my circle have shared this blog with three women that have been diagnosed with breast cancer. It hurts my heart to type that, actually. Breast Cancer is a beast, and one that is growing seemingly exponentially. It hurst my heart that FOUR of us in a seemingly small circle have been diagnosed. But I sincerely hope that my ramblings have helped everyone to, at the very minimum, know what some of the language is, possibilities are, and options that they have. 

One more step after my next surgery will be to add a tattoo to my mastectomy area. I have a few ideas brewing but am currently unsure of what that looks like. Maybe that will be my one year celebration? 

Today, I don't know if I will come back to this blog, or not. I'm going to leave this as a conclusion, at least temporarily. 

I love you all, I am truly blessed to have you all in my life. I could NOT have made it through this journey without my #tribe. I truly mean that, the love, the support, the positive energy, all of it. WE DID IT!! 

FUCK YOU CANCER, I WIN!! 

Peace and love,

Barb